On my way home.
You were with me.
We were comfortably sitting next to each other. I had my arms around you.
Then you saw it.
Everything changed. You removed my arms and distanced yourself from me.
I saw it too. I had to act like it was normal. It already is for you.
In a few seconds we were strangers trying to act like we never knew how one would say
“I miss you”
“I love you”
“I wish you were here with me.”
I ask myself
Out of all the people.
You started to worry if anyone caught a glimpse of us.
I knew because you searched your bag for your phone. Texting and even calling her.
I sat there quietly trying not to show my frustration, more importantly the hurt and my doubt.
I thought to myself have you ever had the same worry when they see you and her together?
I act like I didn’t see.
Not because I didn’t care.
I just didn’t want to care.
But in the end, I did care.
I didn’t feel hurt. I felt guilty.
Guilty for trying to act like I didn’t know or that I didn’t care if anyone sees us.
Guilty that even after all these years there are still places and situations where I have to act like I don’t know you. That we are strangers just minding our own separate lives in one location.
Guilty because I have to hide everything because we have to keep someone else’ feelings in mind.
Guilty that I have to care about someone who doesn’t even know and care if I exist in your own little world.
That is what makes me guilty.
I know how it feels for someone to tell me they saw you with someone else.
Blah, that’s what I told them.
Ache, that’s what my heart felt.
After all these years. I still say to myself.
Lucky her. you found me.
Shame on me. you already have her.
I am sorry.