I knew it was a dream because you told me straight to my face that you love me. (WOLM? #16)

“I fell asleep. I knew it was a dream because you told me straight to my face that you love me.”

That was what I told him earlier. It is true. He rarely said those 3 words to me out of the blue or “just cause” he feels that way.

I wonder. Is he that numb or does he really even love me?

“words are not enough to express my feelings for you” isn’t really a good excuse knowing that I firsthand heard him say it to another person on the phone.

I guess this is my fate. I just have to accept that no one will ever love me the way I think I deserve to be loved.

Maybe just maybe I am the numb one. I actually am confused now.

I am actually getting used to be alone. Used to not seeing you on a regular basis.

I guess I now know acceptance. Accepting that no matter what I do it will never be enough for you to feel the way you feel about her to me.

Staying with me shows you love me? I do admit I understand you with that.

I have a life I need to fix is your excuse to me. I have heard that before. I guess this life decision actually messes everything up.

I never told you. I had that idea it is.

He didn’t had the patience to wait for 2 more years to be with me. I would have chosen a 4 yrs course but I knew in myself that I wanted to be a doctor and that my parents think I will be a good doctor. I denied such praises and words. I choose dentistry….. because

  1.   I will be called a doctor.
  2.   It was 4 years shorter than medical school.

not knowing what lies in my future I moved forward with it. I never knew I would loathe it the more I studied about it. I quit. I was about to take another course.

Then I met you.

I said to myself maybe just maybe dentistry is for me like you gave a pep talk to me which I believe. You told me you will help me through it all. At first you did but I guess when I started to like it again you distanced yourself from me. I thought everything was okay. I wish you just left me that time. I mean leave as in never talk to me anymore because at the end of the day you knew id pick you over it. Isn’t the pain of knowing I am the second girl enough to tell you that I am a keeper and that I also want to have my own life you could be proud of? You had to up the challenge by bringing in another girl to make my already 0 self-respect and self-confidence into a -100.  Why? Why do you do that? then you wonder why I am this demented and in layman’s term “crazy”. Pressure.

Leaving me now? its already too late. I already done everything you wanted me to be. I am now depended on you.

Frustrated because of me? Look at yourself first. Maybe I got frustrated first before you ever did to me. It is hard to wait for something that you know won’t happen. Maybe just maybe I gave up earlier than you because I didn’t see any good future in my life. I didn’t see anything positive. You still have positive portions of your life.

I am drifting away,yes, because you already made me feel you do not need me in your life. You can handle yourself better without me. Why did you get me in the first place? You already have what you have now. Isn’t that enough before? She hurt you? then why didn’t you just tell her what you told to me when I was acting like her? Isn’t it now she is proving to you her worth or her sacrifices in your relationship?

I know you see it now. I will forgive you for hurting me but please…please don’t do what you did to me to anyone anymore when she hurts you again. Be patient with her. You lost your patience that is why you have a Lulu. Understand her. You closed your mind and acted selfishly when she hurt you that is why you kept finding attention from Lulu. We know you were lonely but keep in mind she also was lonely and sad about the situation. She never planned any of what happened. Lulu understands both sides. She just wanted you two to be okay and happy. Despite her being unhappy herself.

Lulu knew this time will come that things will go back to the same when you two have not met each other. It is inevitable because she does not have any control over that part of her life. That’s why she agreed on keeping you company for the time being. Now she sees it is all going better now. She is also hurt, yes, she already fell in love with you, which she told herself not to just to find out later that she agreed with your arrangement because she already loved you that time but did not want to sacrifice that special relationship just because of that feeling. She is sorry. Very sorry that she cannot control her own feelings for the sake of someone she knew loves you the same as she did and that can give you what you dreamed of for your wife.

I guess now I have to pick up broken pieces of me again. Start all over again. I do not want to point fingers at anyone anymore because like you told me it is my own life and it is my own goddamn decisions and problems. I have to pick it up myself. I do not need any help and it’s obvious no one cares or they have their own lives to deal with. Why bother them with my own problems and life decisions?

-L

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