This morning I wasn’t really feeling so well.
I didn’t want to wake up. It’s not the lazy type of mood.
It’s the I wish I was dead kind of emotion.
I really don’t want to tell anyone. I have been feeling like this for almost 3-4 months now.
I wanted to tell you a few weeks ago What stopped me from telling you about it is because you were already acting like everyone else. That’s why I simply told you that you will not understand how I am feeling.
You keep on asking what is wrong with me. I don’t have the guts to tell it straight to your face because I ask myself all the time: What can he do to help you with it? What will you tell him when he asks you how he can help?
He would simply say I need help from a professional.
I am trying my best to help you make me feel a little bit at ease with myself or at least live day by day and try my best to live. I really am helping you help me.
Maybe it is just the loneliness but I know loneliness is different from how I am feeling right now.
I feel empty, worthless and just taking up space.
Today, while we were together I was spacing out while you were busy with rummaging the goods kuya is selling. I couldn’t help but ask myself why I was there. I felt like nobody can see me but I know I am in the middle of a busy sidewalk. I shrugged it off and continued to normally talk to you after your purchase.
I know I am not myself lately. I am not the cheerful girl you love but this I can be sure…
When I am with you I feel better. I feel the need to live day by day.
This may sound so cheesy to you but that really is how I feel nowadays. I am living for the ones I love. That makes me feel a little bit more important or existing in this world.
I may not be someone who has achieved so many awards. I may not be recognized by people when I walk the street. I may not be pretty or popular to everyone.
What is the sense of it all if at the end of the day you are all alone in a big house you built because of your success?
For me, what makes me live is the feeling that the people I love remember me for who I am ,be it good or bad. I do not need awards, recognition,titles, etc. to make me feel like I exist in this world. What matters is that the people I love feel that I love them and that they do not feel the loneliness or sadness that I feel when I am by myself.
But right now I feel nobody wants that from me anymore. I am losing the only reason why I want to exist in this world.
That is also the reason why I tell you to live the life you have before I came into your life. I do not want to drag you with me in this very dark place I call my “cave”.