I pictured today as a smooth day with some book reading, blog writing and a little home errands on the side but my dear old brain had other plans for me.
I woke up very tired from a dream involving the family business. I got replaced and I never thought I’d admit this but I felt defeated. I don’t want to be part of that “team” but my subconscious mind was telling me otherwise. Being responsible isn’t something my family sees in me. That may be the reason why I wanted that position; for validity that I exist.
The night before, I was talking to my bf. I told him that I am confused about what I want to do with my life. My parents think I would be a good medical doctor and that I can handle the stress of studying to become one. Doubt on my own decisions is something that I struggle with everyday. So I told him that if I choose that path I might have to leave him and concentrate on becoming a doctor and dedicate my life to my profession.
I love him but I know he has another life for him to be in. A more established life than mine. I am letting him go there and focus on that because I myself envy that he has that for himself. Everyone did. He told me all about his friends asking him the same questions I had. We were all wondering out of all the people in the world why does he have that and we are stuck in a life we are miserable in.
May be it is not their expectations. It is them seeing him and comparing their life to his. How wonderful his is in their own set of eyes. They do not know everything about it but what they do know is it isn’t perfect but close to perfect.
I myself wonder why he can have that when I can’t. I wish I have that as well.
It is probably satisfaction. Some people are satisfied with their lives and some are simply in limbo with accepting theirs or reaching something that they want for themselves.
I may not be lucky in love but I know I am lucky in choosing a career that I might love to do.
That is the reason why I had to tell him about my decision. He has the right to know and be ready for whatever comes his way. He did offer another option but I think it is just an answer to make my heart and ears happy to choose that path. No human can wait that long for someone without having something or someone on the side. That is the reality of life. I am not emotionally ready for that situation.
I do have other options and I am still thinking about what I will pick. Right now, I am arguing with myself and it is making me very weak, tired and sad.
I am sorry to post such gloomy entry.
Have a good Wednesday everyone