Is this really who I am? (WOLM? #25)

I don’t know what is happening to me. I am actually feeling happier than before. Eventhough I spend my days alone. I feel actually better like this.

Is this who I want to be?

I am still searching for that career that I would treat not as a job but as a passion but lately I find myself actually a little bit more of the contented side. Happier side of things. I know this would not last long. It is always like that to me. Happiness comes in a breeze and all those sad, bitter, depressive thoughts still linger in my brain once a day. (At least it is just once a day not the whole day)

I am actually scared. Scared that I am happier,that I am contented with what I am doing but I know it is still not enough. I still need to find my purpose here on earth or at least a decent livelihood to sustain my lifestyle.

But what is it?

Whenever I try something I fail at it.

I tried going out of the way in choosing a college course and look where I am at? In the dumps as I call it. I still wish I just stopped being the rebellious teen that time. I still blame my idealistic and dream-oriented self.

I wanted to break free but I only got myself into a ,for me, a life long prison of dependency. I know they do not want that to happen to me and I too do not want that to happen to me but I can’t think of a way to free myself. I wish it was that easy. I really wish so.

What I enjoy doing and makes me happy isn’t necessarily something that could feed me or anybody I will support. I dont know.

I am scared.

-L

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