Christmas is fast approaching and I find myself reflecting what happens to me emotionally during these season. Maybe its the weather or the cold breeze that makes me think about these things but I guess it is time for me to share a few. It is also my way of letting go of these experiences and to thank those people who made an effort to make me feel that way and made me who I really am today.
My first Christmas. I never really remember I was only a few months old but I do know my parents were very thankful I came into their life not knowing what the future holds for them about me. Thank you Mama and Papa for always trying to make me happy during this season. I wish to give you more than you could give me but I am not worthy of giving you such gift. I know you are both happy with the love and care the three of us give. I am sorry I cannot give you that ultimate Christmas gift this present year (2015).
Fast Forward to December 1998
This is the year ( i think) that I found out who Santa really was. I guess I can admit that was the only thing that excites me about Christmas when I was a little girl. Being the cool girl that I am. I shook it off my shoulder and pretend to not know who Santa really is but the next year there was no more gifts because I knew it was already my parents and they think it was about time for me not to receive gifts on Christmas because I was a big girl.
One of the most memorable Christmas Season of my life.
I had the chance to meet my long time boyfriend at that time. He lives in the other part of the world and never thought that that meeting will be the first and last time that I will spend the holidays with him. It was and still is the best Christmas anyone can ever give me.
Thank you, A1. We may not be as close as we were before and I know we have grown very much apart now but I am thankful for your generosity and EFFORT to spend that time with me even though I know you would have choose to be with your family and friends during Christmas day but you were alone in Dubai waiting for a connecting flight to see me. I hope you feel the same way but I doubt it. XD
I shall call this “the aftermath Christmas”
This is the first Christmas season that I felt everything in my life going down. I felt unhappy with my career choice and I just came from a break up. I never thought I would spend that year very differently than the past year. I had major breakdowns during that summer season as well. I even went to the extent of not going out my room the whole day because I couldn’t stop crying or stop myself from crying.
I did have the strength to spend it all on my parents. With the love and support, I still felt empty and just plain nothing. I was still in pain.
There was no difference December 2010
I still felt empty. Actually more lonely. I felt alone.
My family had a little “out of town” during the Christmas season. Just to get away from the similar traditions we had. This was also a time where I was chatting or texting with a boy I shall call A2. He was very nice to text me the whole day during Christmas eve but disappeared during the Christmas day and only sent a text during the morning of the day.
He said he was spending it alone in Rizal Park looking around people. Of course I got moved and told him that it would be fun if I could spend it with him. He then told me that he wants to see me soon and I agreed. We saw each other just after Christmas in a nearby mall. I had with me my best friend but later on she left and we had time to ourselves.
That was the day I felt things will be better soon enough. I might have been wrong to assume that.
That June I went back to school.
I spent Christmas with my family but I wanted to spend it with someone else. As you might have guess. Yes, its A2 I am referring about. Even though it was close to impossible.
I was still with A2 we actually had a good year. I suppose, but I was actually wrong. I was concentrating with my school requirements and was also balancing spending time with him with his tight schedule revolving around me, his alone time and his time with his #1 gf. Didn’t mention that eh? During the course of our relationship that year. I found out I was not the only one. I was the second one. The one to run to when #1 was busy with her own life. The one who would gladly drop everything she does to spend time with him. As second semester came and I was caught up with my requirements I spent less time with him and more time at the school. Of course I felt guilty but I knew he would understand(so I thought) because he was the one who pushed me to continue that path. Later on, I found out he went out with this girl she was talking to alot that he would say “UNDERSTANDS ME MORE THAN YOU COULD”
That year I cried again. I though I wouldn’t anymore. I had full trust on him that he will not repeat what he did to #1 to me. Only because of the reason that I was becoming just like her. I wanted to finish. I wanted everything to be done. I was suppose to graduate the coming year but I didn’t I was too caught up trying to prove to him that Ill choose him over anything else. I know its the wrong move and I also did not find myself happy with what I was doing and did not see myself to be happy in the future with what I was currently doing with my career path.
Everything was slightly calm and also I had family from the States that came home to spend that Yuletide season with. It was fun and some with little adventures as we showed them around.
It was different though with my relationship. As usual he said he spent Christmas day with #1 but until now I still have doubts he spent Christmas Eve with her as well. That year was tough for us because earlier that same year I found out he was seeing someone else that he met and was spending “vacation leaves” and “weekend trips” with her than be with me and #1.
I would have understand if it was spending time with #1. She deserves it. Being tough with every situation given to her by him and her family, standing firm. Of course, its natural to feel jealous but of course I understand that she sacrificed a lot of the time with him to fix her own life. I didn’t know he was doing those things with someone else and of course I felt mad.
I was mad because I was too understanding and I gained trust again in him but he destroyed it again. I was forgiving though. I forgave him and told him that if he had these things to do try not to get caught because there are eyes around that he does not know of.
I still cried that year. I knew I was replaceable. That I was just another girl. I felt low,alone and lonely. I still haven’t regained that self-confidence. I still felt like a toy.
This year things turn out different but I do hope this December wont be as bad as the past years. I am very tired and I just want to feel happy on Christmas and New Years Eve and day.
I hope I didn’t bore you with my novel of a post. I just had to let it all out.
To anyone reading this up until now. Thank you for reading. I’m sorry to be so dramatic or as what others would say “dramatize” my experience but seriously though everything that happened was straight from my heart, how I really feel and what really happened based on ,of course, my side of the spectrum.