On mother’s day. (WOLM #29)

I know you never consider each other as family.

It seems like both of you do not like each other.

I hope while you are out with her family on a mother’s day you remember mine.

I hope you remember without her there won’t be someone who would give her all to make you feel important in this world.

I hope you remember her and the way she picks me up after you fight or make me feel worthless.

I hope you thank her for being there when you cannot be the one who would lift my spirits up.

I hope that one day you and her can agree and be one family.

and I hope one day you will only have your mother and mine to greet and thank during this day.

 

โ™ฅL

WOLM #27

Why?

This is the question I usually ask myself.

Why do I have to end up like this?

Why do I have to endure more than her/them?

Why did I choose to be here than far away from it?

Why do I get into these kind of situations?

Why.

At the end of the day I never really find the answers to these questions.

I forget it and when time comes I ask it again to myself and like before I fail to answer the questions.

I am tired of asking these questions.

I am unhappy when I have to ask these questions to myself.

I want it to stop it already.

โ™ฅL

 

WOLM #26

I haven’t had time for blogging,it saddens me. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Right now, I actually have no idea what to write. My mind is blank and I am simply free writing. I have so many in my mind for an idea and I have a review that I should start writing about. I guess I did not enjoy reading the book and I am trying my best to squeeze out anything out of my mind but I guess I shouldn’t pressure myself to trying my best to do so.

I hope to be able to write good. I want to be better but I feel so dumb when it comes to vocabulary or even writing in English. I do not have enough skills to be the best but I do know I can enhance it but I feel I am not worth that much.

I am mumbling now. I am sorry,reader. My mind is full of so many thoughts and I want to write it down but now that I am it all disappeared.

’til next post (hopefully a happier one,well written and composed.)

โ™ฅL

Is this really who I am? (WOLM? #25)

I don’t know what is happening to me. I am actually feeling happier than before. Eventhough I spend my days alone. I feel actually better like this.

Is this who I want to be?

I am still searching for that career that I would treat not as a job but as a passion but lately I find myself actually a little bit more of the contented side. Happier side of things. I know this would not last long. It is always like that to me. Happiness comes in a breeze and all those sad, bitter, depressive thoughts still linger in my brain once a day. (At least it is just once a day not the whole day)

I am actually scared. Scared that I am happier,that I am contented with what I am doing but I know it is still not enough. I still need to find my purpose here on earth or at least a decent livelihood to sustain my lifestyle.

But what is it?

Whenever I try something I fail at it.

I tried going out of the way in choosing a college course and look where I am at? In the dumps as I call it. I still wish I just stopped being the rebellious teen that time. I still blame my idealistic and dream-oriented self.

I wanted to break free but I only got myself into a ,for me, a life long prison of dependency. I know they do not want that to happen to me and I too do not want that to happen to me but I can’t think of a way to free myself. I wish it was that easy. I really wish so.

What I enjoy doing and makes me happy isn’t necessarily something that could feed me or anybody I will support. I dont know.

I am scared.

-L

SATURDAY BOOKSTORE BARGAIN AND SUNDAY FAMILY DAY ENSEMBLE (L Blogs #7, Vlogs #6 & Reviews #9)

Hey Everyone its a new week and I have a lot of things to tell you. ๐Ÿ˜€

SATURDAY BOOKSTORE BARGAIN

My friend woke me up by calling me to say she will drop by and hangout at my place that day. I asked her to come over because I have this stuffed animal that I have to give her as a late Christmas, valentines day and whatever holiday gift. I fixed myself in just 30 minutes because I thought she was already near my house when she called. I then got another call from her that she will be bringing lunch for the two of us and that I had to provide the rice. So I cooked it while waiting for her but she arrived a few minutes before the rice cooked and knowing her she is probably hungry from her work and the trip to my house. She was patient enough to wait for the rice to cook.

We talked about life and everything in between and then my boyfriend called and arrived and we had this Magic Sing Concert. It was nice. We had fun but the highlight of her visit would probably her thrift store haul. She actually was happy about her purchases and the saving power that comes with these kind of activities.

After our visit to the thrift store we said our goodbyes and me and my boyfriend had our alone time. As usual we headed to our usual “date” place. SM. We actually have no plans that day. We did planned on a swimming escapade but dear old “red tide” got the best of me. At the mall I requested to go to Watsons and National Bookstore.

At Watsons I purchased a BB cream but what made me happy is what I bought at National Bookstore.

I got these three babies for 99 PHP each. I was particularly happy about the Amy Tan Book. The Dan Brown Inferno book is actually my boyfriend’s but he said I can keep it and give it to him after I read it already. The third book is entitled Under Fishbone Clouds, judging from the cover you won’t think of it as a Chinese related novel set in the time on the Mao Communist Era of China. That is the reason why I purchased that novel. I had this curiosity about their culture since, I don’t know, grade school?ย  So this is another book to add to my knowledge about what other people know about Chinese culture.

My Saturday was full of fun, laughs and of course bargain hunt escapades; I am fairly myhappy with that.

MY SUNDAY

IWHITE BB.HOLIC BB CREAM REVIEW

I saw and purchased at Watson’s this new product from iWhite Korea. It is called the iWhite BB.Holic everyday BB cream. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to buy a BB cream but I am a sucker for new products and I wanted to test it out myself.

This is for anyone out there who is curious about this product but hesitant to try it for themselves. :))) Well look no further I am here to give my thoughts about this product.

GOOD THINGS COME IN SMALL PACKAGES

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Not so cute right? I expected more from the packaging.But what can I complain about? It is still presentable but unlike the other products they have I don’t think this product will catch my eyes in the drugstore. Maybe it’s the name that would make you want to purchase it. I don’t know I am no marketing or advertising genius. This is a 4ml packaging and it is separated in 2 ml each. I guess it’s because its for everyday and you will only use let’s say 2ml of the product each day.

HOW THE PRODUCT APPLIES AND FEELS ON MY FACE

The product has two shades: light and beige, I got mine in beige. I only put a pea size amount on my fingers and applied and blended it in on my face. At first I didn’t notice that there is this great scent coming from the product. I can’t say if its fruity or floral scent, I have to recheck again.

The coverage is actually good and it can actually stand alone because it covered my flaws/ acne marks or you can use a powder foundation or setting powder to go with it. I opt to use my powder foundation because I felt it was a little bit oily for my face but maybe it’s the korean “dewy” effect that they are promoting.ย  It did not cake up and that is a big plus for me. ๐Ÿ™‚

After a few hours of having it on my face, I noticed my face got a bit oilier than usual. I suspected it was from the BB cream because I did not put anything else new on my face besides that.

TIME TEST VLOG

I actually made a video using this product and here it is. I time tested it for everyone but I don’t think 4 hours is enough for a true verdict.

This video is actually a makeup tutorial of some sort. This is basically my everyday and go-to make-up look minus the red lip color. I think it is perfect for the hot humid weather we have here in the Philippines. It a very light and easy makeup routine for anyone and specially beginners.

If you watched the video, you saw at the end there was a comparison of before and after we went out and I think there wasn’t any significant difference. Mind you, it was actually very hot last sunday and I was sweating and we were actually at the mall doing some grocery shopping and you all know how intense grocery shopping can be sometimes.

I think I will have a separate review on theย  menow kissproof lipstick because it actually deserves to be reviewed. XD I actually just used that lipstick shade/product that morning and it impressed me a lot.

GOING BACK TO BBHOLIC…..

  • The product is very affordable for only 24.50 PHP but I believe they have not put out a tube or larger packaging for this product.
  • If you have oily face I do not think this product is right for you.
  • It last for a decent amount of time.
  • The packaging is pretty messy if you have left over product.

SUNDAY ENSEMBLE

I just wanted to share my outfit ensemble last Sunday because I think it looks nice and it would help those larger ladies, like me, to find some style inspiration. ๐Ÿ˜€

  • ย Top isย  from the thrift store: 100PHP
  • inner garment/ gray tank top from Daiso: 88 PHP
  • Leggings/Jeggings from Payless Shoestore (I forgot the brand name; it’s at the socks section) : around 700PHP
  • Sandals are from CLN(Celine) : I can’t remember the price but I think we got it for less than 1000 PHP
  • Watch is from Swatch a gift/ pasalubong from my mother. ๐Ÿ˜€

 

I hope you all had a great and fun weekend. ๐Ÿ˜€ I surely did.

‘Til next post

โ™ฅL

P.S. I have a little project for my site and I can’t wait to show it to all of you but I have to contain myself. Check on my instagram for a quick peek. ๐Ÿ˜‰

 

 

Experiments,R-16 film, Late night cheering up and Totally Silent Vday (L Blogs#6 and Vlogs#5)

Belated Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone! I hope your Valentines weekend is full of love and you shared your love to everyone who deserves it. ๐Ÿ˜€

Experimental Vlog

I always spend myย  weekends at my province, Cavite.While I was editing my last youtube video, I found this “cute” music that I can not help myself from listening to over and over again. I pictured aย  travel vlog or just a “going home” vlog and my sister was not going home so it was a perfect time to make one so that she could still see our little puppies.

Did that make you smile? I hope it did. ๐Ÿ˜€

It’s my first try in filming, editing and making this kind of videos.I do not have those special cameras for anything like this and I only used an iPad mini and my android phone. So I am so sorry if some of the parts are low quality and dark. I think I want to make some more soon, when I get the chance and adventure to do so.

Deadpool Movie Date

Saturdays are always spent with my bf. I asked him for a movie date for valentines day. I didn’t get him anything, I didn’t think I needed to do so. IMHO, It’s always valentines day for him almost everyday that I am with him. We all know I tend to be the “crazy in love” one in this relationship.

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The movie was rated R-16, we were behind two teenage boys trying to buy some tickets and the cashier told them they cannot sell them the tickets due to the content of the film. I only knew why they were very strict about selling the tickets when we were already watching the movie. Deadpool was full of sexual puns and other “dirty” languages that I don’t think the 13-15 years old me can handle well.

After the movie we decided to walk home, it was a long walk home. I was actually not feeling well that day but I survived the walk ; some occasional stops at the town center to look around and just hang around at made it easier for me. We ate a simple dinner/merienda at the local “goto” (rice porridge) place near the catholic church and after that we proceeded to walk home. It was a nice day. ๐Ÿ™‚ Simple Valentines celebration but I will remember it. I always do.

Late night depression attack

When I got home I took the time to take care of myself physically by taking a long warm bath and then cozy myself up into reading a book on my bed in preparation for my sleep. I fell asleep after a few pages of the novel and when I woke up it was already 10pm. As hard as I try I could not go back to sleep. I never thought that dose of caffeine I had a day ago would mess my sleep pattern up this badly. I then decided to browse the internet and check my emails.

One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew I was rummaging my sent emails. I went as far as year 2007. I do admit those years were far better than these past few years. I had a life. A life anyone would probably envy or wish for themselves but as I go further into the years I noticed stupid actions, not so good words exchanged and some regretful replies.

I received a card from my bf and I read it earlier. It was suppose to make me happy but I admit I feel like I am more defeated than ever (that’s also the reason why I decided to snooze a bit.) I never thought I actually messed up my own life in all it’s sides/aspects. I totally messed up and I can’t think of a way to make it better now than it was before. I wish I could but I am feeling hopeless already.

I sent a text message to my bf to thank him for the gift and day, to wish him a good day for the next day and also to tell him I am not feeling well emotionally. I was not expecting a reply from him anymore. It was past 11pm already and I know after our “date” me-time is commenced by both parties. He called me up, it was a nice gesture. I think he just didn’t want me to feel so lonely during the day that was coming. He knows I don’t like it maybe because that particular occasion didn’t really have good memories for me. I appreciated his ways of cheering me up by singing and joking around. He didn’t want me to cry the valentines day away in my room. (which I was planning sans the crying part.)

That was the highlight of my 2016 Valentines day: vulgar languages, throwback regrets and sweet late night smiles and cheering up. It was well and until now as I write this entry I couldn’t help my emotions take over, a smile here and maybe an occasional sigh of regret but I know I will remember this day.

A normal day

cupid-single-love-sex-valentines-day-ecards-someecards

It seems like February 14 is something that Filipinos are very crazy about. The day after the Chinese new year all those Valentines day merchandise are already selling like hotcakes at the sidewalks and malls. I myself never celebrated it with someone special. It was typically a normal day for me. I do get occasional roses, balloons or chocolates from people who are assigned to do so and some from my special someone but I usually spend the day alone and minding my own business.

I have no other plans but to stay at home and rest. I was not feeling so well physically and emotionally the night before, I did get over the emotional part but my body was not participating with me that day. I planned to go to church and shop with my mother at the local supermarket but I woke up with a massive headache, so my mother just gave me meds for it and left for church. I was not feeling well about that decision. I wish I could have gone with them but I guess my head decided for me. I woke up fairly late, ate some breakfast and took the meds my mother gave me earlier. I was feeling better so I decided to give all our puppies a bath, after a few minutes my mother arrived with my cousins. The little ones greeted me happy valentines day and I simply smiled and let them play with the dogs.

It was just a normal Sunday family day. We had lunch together and after that we minded our own businesses; which for me consists of reading, chatting with our nanny, cooking, sleeping and watching some YouTube videos or TV. We had dinner together and they liked what I cooked for them. It wasn’t special, it was just pork chops and fried chicken. I guess it is my family’s way of saying they appreciate me and what I do for them. After dinner I was already feeling light headed so I went straight to my room and waited for Mr. Sandman to prompt me to sleep.

Nothing special happened to me that day, as expected.

So how was your valentines weekend? I hope you had a memorable one worth sharing and writing about. ๐Ÿ™‚

‘Til next post

โ™ฅL

 

 

The Pitchfork of life (WOLM? #24)

I pictured today as a smooth day with some book reading, blog writing and a little home errands on the side but my dear old brain had other plans for me.

I woke up very tired from a dream involving the family business. I got replaced and I never thought I’d admit this but I felt defeated.ย  I don’t want to be part of that “team” but my subconscious mind was telling me otherwise. Being responsible isn’t something my family sees in me. That may be the reason why I wanted that position; for validity that I exist.

The night before, I was talking to my bf. I told him that I am confused about what I want to do with my life. My parents think I would be a good medical doctor and that I can handle the stress of studying to become one. Doubt on my own decisions is something that I struggle with everyday. So I told him that if I choose that path I might have to leave him and concentrate on becoming a doctor and dedicate my life to my profession.

I love him but I know he has another life for him to be in. A more established life than mine. I am letting him go there and focus on that because I myself envy that he has that for himself. Everyone did. He told me all about his friends asking him the same questions I had. We were all wondering out of all the people in the world why does he have that and we are stuck in a life we are miserable in.

May be it is not their expectations. It is them seeing him and comparing their life to his. How wonderful his is in their own set of eyes. They do not know everything about it but what they do know is it isn’t perfect but close to perfect.

I myself wonder why he can have that when I can’t. I wish I have that as well.

It is probably satisfaction. Some people are satisfied with their lives and some are simply in limbo with accepting theirs or reaching something that they want for themselves.

I may not be lucky in love but I know I am lucky in choosing a career that I might love to do.

That is the reason why I had to tell him about my decision. He has the right to know and be ready for whatever comes his way. He did offer another option but I think it is just an answer to make my heart and ears happy to choose that path. No human can wait that long for someone without having something or someone on the side. That is the reality of life. I am not emotionally ready for that situation.

I do have other options and I am still thinking about what I will pick. Right now, I am arguing with myself and it is making me very weak, tired and sad.

I am sorry to post such gloomy entry.

Have a good Wednesday everyone

โ™ฅL

 

When I am with you. (WOLM? #19)

This morning I wasn’t really feeling so well.

I didn’t want to wake up. It’s not the lazy type of mood.

It’s the I wish I was dead kind of emotion.

I really don’t want to tell anyone. I have been feeling like this for almost 3-4 months now.

I wanted to tell you a few weeks ago What stopped me from telling you about it is because you were already acting like everyone else. That’s why I simply told you that you will not understand how I am feeling.

You keep on asking what is wrong with me. I don’t have the guts to tell it straight to your face because I ask myself all the time: What can he do to help you with it? What will you tell him when he asks you how he can help?

He would simply say I need help from a professional.

I am trying my best to help you make me feel a little bit at ease with myself or at least live day by day and try my best to live. I really am helping you help me.

Maybe it is just the loneliness but I know loneliness is different from how I am feeling right now.

I feel empty, worthless and just taking up space.

Today, while we were together I was spacing out while you were busy with rummaging the goods kuya is selling. I couldn’t help but ask myself why I was there. I felt like nobody can see me but I know I am in the middle of a busy sidewalk. I shrugged it off and continued to normally talk to you after your purchase.

I know I am not myself lately. I am not the cheerful girl you love but this I can be sure…

When I am with you I feel better. I feel the need to live day by day.

This may sound so cheesy to you but that really is how I feel nowadays. I am living for the ones I love. That makes me feel a little bit more important or existing in this world.

I may not be someone who has achieved so many awards. I may not be recognized by people when I walk the street. I may not be pretty or popular to everyone.

What is the sense of it all if at the end of the day you are all alone in a big house you built because of your success?

For me, what makes me live is the feeling that the people I love remember me for who I am ,be it good or bad. I do not need awards, recognition,titles, etc. to make me feel like I exist in this world. What matters is that the people I love feel that I love them and that they do not feel the loneliness or sadness that I feel when I am by myself.

But right now I feel nobody wants that from me anymore. I am losing the only reason why I want to exist in this world.

That is also the reason why I tell you to live the life you have before I came into your life. I do not want to drag you with me in this very dark place I call my “cave”.